Just Thinking

Home doesn't feel like home. Why do I even call it home? Because it was once my home. Home use to be a place of privacy. It use to be a place where I felt extremely safe. It use to be a place where hot healthy meals were cooked. It use to be a place where I could walk around in my towel. It use to be a place where I could walk into any room without feeling uncomfortable. It use to be a place that was tidy clean and smelled good. It use to be a place that was beautiful. It use to be a place of love.
What is it now?
Its a place where I encounter random strangers come in and out. Its now a place where I lock my door every night. Its now a place where I never ever eat meals at. Its now a place where I have to conspicuously walk into my room with a towel on. Its now a place where I feel awkward when going into other rooms. Its now a place that smells like nasty cooked oily food. I consider it as fake, fucked up, and utterly ugly home.
I can't wait until I move into my new apartment in San Jose.

I think I'm finally over my mothers death. I've never felt in peace until now. I do get emotional but not as bad as before. =) I've excepted it. It took over six years and I am finally in peace.

Its crazy how three and a half years went so fast. I did it for a change, yet, is this change for the good? I constantly contemplate whether or not I did the right thing. I miss him, or do I miss having the attention or perhaps, the company? Time will tell, and I still have to keep fighting my urges(damnit). But damn, I don't think I've felt this lonely in a while. Yes, I go out. Yes, I am keeping myself busy. Yes, I still have fun. But something is missing.

Infatuation is the best feeling in the world. Its what drives me to my high. Infatuation... I wish I could stay in the stage. No problems, only unlimited love.


MUSIC: California Dreaming- Mamas and the Papas

Lies

So I always say how I'd start updating my blog more frequently. Sorry, its been lies ( as you can see, haha) and i'm too lazy to put up pictures. Boring, I know. But just imagine.

Whats been up? I don't know. Its summer! Crystal, Jenny, and I found a potential place to live in SJ. We just need to get all the papers in!! I'm so excited!!

I'm working at Sushi Boat for the summer with evil Korean ladies XD.

Down to some deep shit..not really, haha.