Just Thinking

Home doesn't feel like home. Why do I even call it home? Because it was once my home. Home use to be a place of privacy. It use to be a place where I felt extremely safe. It use to be a place where hot healthy meals were cooked. It use to be a place where I could walk around in my towel. It use to be a place where I could walk into any room without feeling uncomfortable. It use to be a place that was tidy clean and smelled good. It use to be a place that was beautiful. It use to be a place of love.
What is it now?
Its a place where I encounter random strangers come in and out. Its now a place where I lock my door every night. Its now a place where I never ever eat meals at. Its now a place where I have to conspicuously walk into my room with a towel on. Its now a place where I feel awkward when going into other rooms. Its now a place that smells like nasty cooked oily food. I consider it as fake, fucked up, and utterly ugly home.
I can't wait until I move into my new apartment in San Jose.

I think I'm finally over my mothers death. I've never felt in peace until now. I do get emotional but not as bad as before. =) I've excepted it. It took over six years and I am finally in peace.

Its crazy how three and a half years went so fast. I did it for a change, yet, is this change for the good? I constantly contemplate whether or not I did the right thing. I miss him, or do I miss having the attention or perhaps, the company? Time will tell, and I still have to keep fighting my urges(damnit). But damn, I don't think I've felt this lonely in a while. Yes, I go out. Yes, I am keeping myself busy. Yes, I still have fun. But something is missing.

Infatuation is the best feeling in the world. Its what drives me to my high. Infatuation... I wish I could stay in the stage. No problems, only unlimited love.


MUSIC: California Dreaming- Mamas and the Papas