Sorting things out

I don’t even know where to begin. Its like my mind is running in circles over the same pathetic thing. I feel betrayed. It is pretty hard for me to get mad. But small, even minuscule things have been bugging me. Why? I don’t know. My friend Justin use to joke and say that there was a raging incredible hulk in me. There possibly is, seeing how I’ve reacted in some many ways of violence. I know I should solve problems in other ways, but when you have lost trust within the people you think you could have trusted. It all builds in. Haha, perhaps writing what I feel will serve therapeutic to me?

I go back thinking about my life. The first thing I think about is my mother. I see her in me. I still love her every bit of soul. I miss her presence. But when I think about her, she only holds a spot in my heart. I have conditioned myself to except her death. I have fully understood that her physical body is not present. I have nothing else to learn from her now. I do know that I will see her sometime in another life.

Any who, I have found that he is playing manipulative mind games with the people I care about. He’s making people feel sorry for him (pathetic) while trying to sway people that he was at the right and I am at the wrong. That I am “fucked up.” Apparently the whole world thinks I am?

I find it sad. If he can only see that gossip and rumors are nothing but mind games itself. Just like the game telephone, a lot of things are misinterpret and said completely different. Those distorted words that one hears, becomes nothing but truths that are not truths at all.

What is right from wrong? Tell me! He can say how much he truly loved me. He can say that he is acting by his unstable emotions and impulses because I made him feel this way. He can constantly put the blame on me. He can say that he does not care. But he does care, his pride cares, and he continues to believe he is winning a battle that does not exist.

As I try to sort everything through my head. I don’t see myself at the wrong. I can see how he can think that I am wrong. I can see how he thinks I am being stubborn at admitting that I am not wrong. But the point is, I did it. I choose what I do. I have gone over it in my head and quite honestly, where is the wrong?

We aren’t together. We weren’t together during the time I talked to another guy. His heart was still hanging on, while my mind was conditioning itself to move on.

Why is it my responsibility to tell him what I go through or what I did? Should it be my solemn obligation to inform him of things that would potentially hurt him even more? Do I have to follow particular rules?

Rules are nothing more than supposedly guidelines that strangle us away from what we internally want.

I tell my friends about my personal life, in hopes that it would be kept between us two. And this is where the trust issue falls. Apparently, others have found it to be their solemn obligation to get into business that isn’t there’s. Just like telephone, perhaps a lot of things were looked at completely different. Perhaps when it was being told to him, the topic at stake had been distorted in their minds already.

Have I acted in an immature matter? I have, more so, acted upon my own impulses that make me feel good, satisfied, and happy. I do things for myself, and I put others second after me.

Morals. Ethics. Its pretty subjective and objective. Who is to say what is truly right and what is truly wrong. No one can and its truly up to how we perceive things.

We are different individuals. Although we may breathe the same air, we may walk the same paths, or how we all carry the same biological components. We are still different. How we each perceive things are completely different. How we act upon particular situations is different.

Love? Hah, well some of you may think. Well, did you not love him? Did you not care for him enough to just say no?

Hah, Love. It’s a complicated thing. Yes I did love, and love can go away fast (at least in my eyes). Love can stay for the longest time, and love can instantly go away in a heart beat. What is love really? To me, love can be expressed to more than one person. Love does not have to be expressed in forms of candy, sex, flowers, or materialistic things. It can be expressed in billions of ways.

Yes, I loved him. Yes, I cared for him and yes, societal pressures and instigation has torn my love for him. His immature actions have done nothing more but see him in eye of despise. And now, I feel nothing for him.

Although we may have gone through several good and sad moments, its over. There is nothing there that can relate to anymore. All I see now is merely a monster in disguise. I see creature with nothing but individual issues that he needs to internally solve.

Nothing more, I will owe it to myself and to everyone else to completely end this. Through this, I will pledge to myself that I will try to live prosperous and contently. I have learned that I can not trust solemnly. I have learned that these things happen for a reason, and we live through them, instead of act.