Life presents us with so much pain, distress, and animosity. However, it also presents us with the intangible gifts of love, empowerment, and edification. It presents me with several influential individuals who have made my life worth living and the good and bad memories that have driven me to do more.
We have all been given the world to live and it is up to you to take advantage of every given situation. Regardless of how ruthless life can be, it is wise to make the best of it and go through every little hiccup that may seem inescapable.
It is Thanksgiving. It is a day that reminds us of everything that we are blessed with.
We live. We breathe. We absorb every form of information that activates our sensations; our feelings.
I am thankful for everything that life has to offer… I am thankful that all of you have had some impact in my life… I am privileged to have so many amazing people in my life. Lastly, it is YOU who has given me the experiences that have strengthen and developed me mentally and physically. It is YOU who has presented me the world.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Unannounced
"Remember that life's most treasured moments often come unannounced."
I'd have to agree. Its those spontaneous moments that are always fun. I love placing myself in very uncomfortable social situations and; for some reason, it always turns out great.
Recently, I have been living life with so much worry and criticism. How I view it… I sometimes forget to factor in fun. With every ongoing day that life presents to us, comes more responsibility. It becomes more complicated and that’s the most frustrating part about it. I feel like there is something always bothering me. I am not as amused by the most simplest of things. Everything seems to worry me. This is why I miss being a kid; life was so easy, so simple, and so ambiguous... However, I do have a lot to learn still. Life still presents itself with its unsolved mysteries…
I feel like I lost a lot of motivation this semester. Life isn’t as fun, there seems to be a lot of tension, and people seem to be way more critical.
I question what I am working for. Is it for me, or is it to please those around me? Must I be a puppet to their expectations? Or should I just let go, and not care at all? If I do disregard social criticism or just people in general, would I be able to survive this world?
There are so many unwritten rules that bound us. What we really want to do, we are held back to do. We are all interconnected in the sense that we are huge influencers on each other’s lives. Which is why we can’t simply disregard what people think, and which is why we are somewhat puppets to each other’s expectations.
I like to let go, and do whatever the hell I want to do. But sadly, my actions are always altered.
Thinking things through rambles that are totally contradictory and may not make sense...
Maybe this is what has been bothering me. The fact that I cannot freely do whatever I want to do. That I always have to rethink my actions because it can hurt or bother someone else. Are we free to do whatever we want to do? Yes, however, it is for those who surround us that will make us change our paths.
I think those who are critical of you are bothered only because they are insecure and envy your actions. Internally, they want to do the same things but are so bounded by what others think as well. Maybe thats why I've been so unmotivated and critical. I am insecure. I am insecure of what other people think because how you're socially presented, will lead you to a life of success...but what is success to you? Is it just getting a college education and making lots of money? How can we measure it for ourselves? Well... Getting a good job and making lots of money is success measured through the eyes of everyone else. Does that really matter to you though? Why am I striving to get a huge corporate job? Is it really for myself? I think its to please everyone. To show everyone that I have some value... And thats where the insecurities come from... Haha... I dont know....
I'd have to agree. Its those spontaneous moments that are always fun. I love placing myself in very uncomfortable social situations and; for some reason, it always turns out great.
Recently, I have been living life with so much worry and criticism. How I view it… I sometimes forget to factor in fun. With every ongoing day that life presents to us, comes more responsibility. It becomes more complicated and that’s the most frustrating part about it. I feel like there is something always bothering me. I am not as amused by the most simplest of things. Everything seems to worry me. This is why I miss being a kid; life was so easy, so simple, and so ambiguous... However, I do have a lot to learn still. Life still presents itself with its unsolved mysteries…
I feel like I lost a lot of motivation this semester. Life isn’t as fun, there seems to be a lot of tension, and people seem to be way more critical.
I question what I am working for. Is it for me, or is it to please those around me? Must I be a puppet to their expectations? Or should I just let go, and not care at all? If I do disregard social criticism or just people in general, would I be able to survive this world?
There are so many unwritten rules that bound us. What we really want to do, we are held back to do. We are all interconnected in the sense that we are huge influencers on each other’s lives. Which is why we can’t simply disregard what people think, and which is why we are somewhat puppets to each other’s expectations.
I like to let go, and do whatever the hell I want to do. But sadly, my actions are always altered.
Thinking things through rambles that are totally contradictory and may not make sense...
Maybe this is what has been bothering me. The fact that I cannot freely do whatever I want to do. That I always have to rethink my actions because it can hurt or bother someone else. Are we free to do whatever we want to do? Yes, however, it is for those who surround us that will make us change our paths.
I think those who are critical of you are bothered only because they are insecure and envy your actions. Internally, they want to do the same things but are so bounded by what others think as well. Maybe thats why I've been so unmotivated and critical. I am insecure. I am insecure of what other people think because how you're socially presented, will lead you to a life of success...but what is success to you? Is it just getting a college education and making lots of money? How can we measure it for ourselves? Well... Getting a good job and making lots of money is success measured through the eyes of everyone else. Does that really matter to you though? Why am I striving to get a huge corporate job? Is it really for myself? I think its to please everyone. To show everyone that I have some value... And thats where the insecurities come from... Haha... I dont know....
Monday, October 11, 2010
I've been too much of a grouch lately...
My apologies.
I've been a bit of a negative grouch lately which totally goes against my goals of being "HAPPY". Its days like these that I have to remind myself that life is too short. We shouldn't hold grudges, and take life as it is and make the best of it.
Those who surround us... Those who make us feel like shit. I'm sure they hold no intention of doing so.
Today will be a better and brighter day!
I've been a bit of a negative grouch lately which totally goes against my goals of being "HAPPY". Its days like these that I have to remind myself that life is too short. We shouldn't hold grudges, and take life as it is and make the best of it.
Those who surround us... Those who make us feel like shit. I'm sure they hold no intention of doing so.
Today will be a better and brighter day!
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Strive
I strive for something that no other individual can give to me but one. Who is that one? I don't know, but in time, I will find out.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
Todays Random Thought
I wonder... how often do we think of each other at the same time, different places? Synchronicity, I am sure we have... hmmm
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Random thoughts
Why do we do the things we do? Why do we act the way we do? Why do we take life for granted?
Death…
We were instinctively born with the idealisms of being unstoppable human beings, although, it is not until your life is somehow threatened is when we fear. Within this year alone, I know 9 individuals who have passed away. Cancers, heart attacks, Diabetes, aneurysms, and the list can go on. Death is an inescapable fixation that life keeps presenting. Its unavoidable, but we continually try to shy away from the topic. Why is that? Maybe its because we haven’t accomplished the several scheme of events that we expect ourselves to experience-those countless fanatical episodes of how we should live life.
Life…
Life is refreshing, beautiful, and worth living. How we view life, is ultimately up to you. What makes you happy remains your haven. I like to think that I take life the way it is. I enjoy the simplest things that are obtainable to me and try to make the most of it until I have had enough. I may be a hypocrite at times. Yes, I sulk in sorrow and beat myself up for the smallest of things. But I enjoy life, my crazy adventures, and my uncanny perceptions.
Death and Life…
It is because of my mother that I have grown so much. Her scent, image, and personality endlessly haunts me, but in a positive way. As much as I have mourned throughout these 7 years, I have used her death as my model of growth, acceptance, and peace.
Understand that life gives you nothing but desires. Enjoy it.
Death…
We were instinctively born with the idealisms of being unstoppable human beings, although, it is not until your life is somehow threatened is when we fear. Within this year alone, I know 9 individuals who have passed away. Cancers, heart attacks, Diabetes, aneurysms, and the list can go on. Death is an inescapable fixation that life keeps presenting. Its unavoidable, but we continually try to shy away from the topic. Why is that? Maybe its because we haven’t accomplished the several scheme of events that we expect ourselves to experience-those countless fanatical episodes of how we should live life.
Life…
Life is refreshing, beautiful, and worth living. How we view life, is ultimately up to you. What makes you happy remains your haven. I like to think that I take life the way it is. I enjoy the simplest things that are obtainable to me and try to make the most of it until I have had enough. I may be a hypocrite at times. Yes, I sulk in sorrow and beat myself up for the smallest of things. But I enjoy life, my crazy adventures, and my uncanny perceptions.
Death and Life…
It is because of my mother that I have grown so much. Her scent, image, and personality endlessly haunts me, but in a positive way. As much as I have mourned throughout these 7 years, I have used her death as my model of growth, acceptance, and peace.
Understand that life gives you nothing but desires. Enjoy it.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
DENNY!
So... Today denny hella pissed me off! and then! he wanted to go all UFC on this one guy.... IM JUST KIDDING DENNY! =P
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Sunday, June 27, 2010
completely and utterly...
The more you keep trying to hold on, the more you are pushing me away...
When I see you, I don't want to see a face of despondency. Even if you hide it, I can still see it. I rather just give you the time to make changes for yourself- to find some sense of peace and reconciliation.
Why am I so distant? Its because I can't surround myself in an environment that will put me down.
When I see you, I don't want to see a face of despondency. Even if you hide it, I can still see it. I rather just give you the time to make changes for yourself- to find some sense of peace and reconciliation.
Why am I so distant? Its because I can't surround myself in an environment that will put me down.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Thinking randomly
I just had a conversation with Denny, and he put a lot of things into perspective for me.
Actions can be looked upon in several ways. Impressions matter.
I'd like to think that my actions and thought process is straight forward. I am easily entertained by the most simplest things. What I do or say, is how it is. My actions are simple. But I am beginning to see that other individuals don't see me in that same light. They hold a lot of ambiguity towards me. Perhaps, their past experience has led them to question a lot of people, including myself.
We are human. We are complicated and living. I can't blame people for second guessing actions. Sometimes I question the most simplest of things. Can something be so simple in life? Its hard to think that, when random thoughts continuously run through our minds.
Shit happens... I understand. If shit happens, why make a huge fuss out of it? There's no point. I try to take life as it is. I hope I do.
I am beginning to dig deep into my roots as a female-the societal pressures that we face in a day to day basis.
For instance, the media has affected several societal views on beauty. People often say that “beauty is skin deep” but is it really? If it were the case, then why does our American society base so much of its criticism on our appearances through ones own weight, figure, and performances? I often question that, and although I would like to live by that particular quote, I find it unrealistic in this society that is filled with so many materialistic and superficial views. It’s hard to avoid due to all pressures that constantly surround me. I think this relentless need to conform is based on our everyday public influences that the media sets upon us through books, magazines, television, billboards, advertisements and especially the World Wide Web. I feel as if our American culture is manifested with so many superficial mindsets and that it has pressured me to conform to those idealisms as well. As much as I try to break away from it, its pretty unavoidable...
Some of you may think. Why do you even care about what people think? Well think about it. Since the say we were born, we were conditioned to feel insecure about our actions-what we say, how was speak, how we dress, how we walk. We are constantly criticized. Okay, something in regards to a persons looks. Yes, we can accept ourselves for how we look. But it doesn't help when we are constantly exposed to so much influence...
How would the world be like if we held no sense of monetary value? Would it be at peace? Would there even be a purpose to living at all?
Another random, but last thought for this blog... Why is it that people are so consumed in other peoples business? Could it possibly be because they have boring lives themselves? I think, people are consumed in other peoples miseries, if anything. Think about it... Something that is so problematic in a persons life, is so interesting to watch or hear about. Admit it people, we like seeing people suffer. Why? Because it affects you in such a way where you possess a sense of sympathy or hate for that person. It effects your emotions, values, ethics, etc. Thats why people are so consumed. Or so I think?
Hah! yah.. my random thoughts. Perhaps, i'm not as simple...ENJOY
Actions can be looked upon in several ways. Impressions matter.
I'd like to think that my actions and thought process is straight forward. I am easily entertained by the most simplest things. What I do or say, is how it is. My actions are simple. But I am beginning to see that other individuals don't see me in that same light. They hold a lot of ambiguity towards me. Perhaps, their past experience has led them to question a lot of people, including myself.
We are human. We are complicated and living. I can't blame people for second guessing actions. Sometimes I question the most simplest of things. Can something be so simple in life? Its hard to think that, when random thoughts continuously run through our minds.
Shit happens... I understand. If shit happens, why make a huge fuss out of it? There's no point. I try to take life as it is. I hope I do.
I am beginning to dig deep into my roots as a female-the societal pressures that we face in a day to day basis.
For instance, the media has affected several societal views on beauty. People often say that “beauty is skin deep” but is it really? If it were the case, then why does our American society base so much of its criticism on our appearances through ones own weight, figure, and performances? I often question that, and although I would like to live by that particular quote, I find it unrealistic in this society that is filled with so many materialistic and superficial views. It’s hard to avoid due to all pressures that constantly surround me. I think this relentless need to conform is based on our everyday public influences that the media sets upon us through books, magazines, television, billboards, advertisements and especially the World Wide Web. I feel as if our American culture is manifested with so many superficial mindsets and that it has pressured me to conform to those idealisms as well. As much as I try to break away from it, its pretty unavoidable...
Some of you may think. Why do you even care about what people think? Well think about it. Since the say we were born, we were conditioned to feel insecure about our actions-what we say, how was speak, how we dress, how we walk. We are constantly criticized. Okay, something in regards to a persons looks. Yes, we can accept ourselves for how we look. But it doesn't help when we are constantly exposed to so much influence...
How would the world be like if we held no sense of monetary value? Would it be at peace? Would there even be a purpose to living at all?
Another random, but last thought for this blog... Why is it that people are so consumed in other peoples business? Could it possibly be because they have boring lives themselves? I think, people are consumed in other peoples miseries, if anything. Think about it... Something that is so problematic in a persons life, is so interesting to watch or hear about. Admit it people, we like seeing people suffer. Why? Because it affects you in such a way where you possess a sense of sympathy or hate for that person. It effects your emotions, values, ethics, etc. Thats why people are so consumed. Or so I think?
Hah! yah.. my random thoughts. Perhaps, i'm not as simple...ENJOY
Monday, June 21, 2010
Law 32
"The truth is often avoided because it is ugly and unpleasant. Never appeal to truth and reality unless you are prepared for the anger that comes from disenchantment. Life is so harsh and distressing that people who can manufacture romance or conjure up fantasy are like oases in the desert; Everyone flocks to them. There is great power in tapping into the fantasies of the masses".
-Robert Greene
-Robert Greene
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Continuous rants
Maybe I should become a lesbian. Apparently, guys are nothing but preconceived morons that want nothing but pussy. Are there decent guys around?
Geez, there are a lot of assholes. Actually, Ill correct myself. The cute ones are assholes. They have too much of a big ego.
Hahaha, just for the record. I am not one of those girls that will fall under stupid spells like that. In fact, I can see past a lot of your moronic plans.
The feminist side of me is unleashing, Feel my damn rathe you fools!
Geez, there are a lot of assholes. Actually, Ill correct myself. The cute ones are assholes. They have too much of a big ego.
Hahaha, just for the record. I am not one of those girls that will fall under stupid spells like that. In fact, I can see past a lot of your moronic plans.
The feminist side of me is unleashing, Feel my damn rathe you fools!
Sunday, June 6, 2010
The Males Species... ugh
Why is it that when females do nice things to guys as a friendly gesture, guys take it the wrong way. They begin to assume the girl is interested; if not interested, the guy gets all sprung and beings to make flirtatious gestures in return... COME ON NOW!! Then when the girls expresses they aren't interested and they initially JUST wanted to be friends. The guy ends of being a total douche because hes utterly embarrassed from denial. Sorry, shit happens.
I've come to realize that guys made me happy in the past. My happiness revolved around getting attention, love, and a good fuck. Instead of focusing on myself, I focused on trying to make relationships work. I am finally single. After 5 years of on going relationships, I finally have time to think for myself and only myself. To make self improvements. I don't need a guy to make me happy. Its really pathetic now when I look back on it. And now that I am single! I will embrace it, and make new friends, and have fun (responsibly, lol).
I've come to realize that guys made me happy in the past. My happiness revolved around getting attention, love, and a good fuck. Instead of focusing on myself, I focused on trying to make relationships work. I am finally single. After 5 years of on going relationships, I finally have time to think for myself and only myself. To make self improvements. I don't need a guy to make me happy. Its really pathetic now when I look back on it. And now that I am single! I will embrace it, and make new friends, and have fun (responsibly, lol).
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Just got a new mac book pro and im not using it yet?
I just got a new mac book pro, but I am currently on my old Sony Vaio. Odd? Yes!
Typically, I would have been "screw you Vaio, I replaced you with a Mac fool!" But truth is... I love my Vaio. As much noise, viruses, and random problems it gives me, we've been through a lot. Oh Vaio, I do love you still. And I'll continue to use you, until the day one of us deceases...
I currently have 3 computer devices. My Vaio, my Dell netbook, and now my Mac. I typically don't believe in Polygamy, but hey! These three completely satisfy my everyday needs. Love you laptops! LOL
Typically, I would have been "screw you Vaio, I replaced you with a Mac fool!" But truth is... I love my Vaio. As much noise, viruses, and random problems it gives me, we've been through a lot. Oh Vaio, I do love you still. And I'll continue to use you, until the day one of us deceases...
I currently have 3 computer devices. My Vaio, my Dell netbook, and now my Mac. I typically don't believe in Polygamy, but hey! These three completely satisfy my everyday needs. Love you laptops! LOL
Interesting Dream
I had a dream that I was involved with a guy about two-three years older than me. He had already established his career and he came from a well off respectable family.
He went to my house saying he had a surprise for me, gave me a piggy back, and showed me a brand new car. He said he bought it for me. I was screaming like crazy, went inside and I saw a Tiffany's jewelry box. He took it, opened it, then proposed to me. I said yes.
Odd thing was, deep inside, I didn't want to marry him.
Then I woke up. Werid
He went to my house saying he had a surprise for me, gave me a piggy back, and showed me a brand new car. He said he bought it for me. I was screaming like crazy, went inside and I saw a Tiffany's jewelry box. He took it, opened it, then proposed to me. I said yes.
Odd thing was, deep inside, I didn't want to marry him.
Then I woke up. Werid
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Spring Break started and I currently have nothing to do. I am currently residing in Union City with the familia.
All my friends in Union City are not on Spring Break...
Its going to rain all week, so the beach is a no no.
Bars? I'm so sick of drinking...
Snowboard? If i get a ride...
Maybe ill relax at my Elk Grove house? Alone? Someone wanna chill?
This is boo boo...
All my friends in Union City are not on Spring Break...
Its going to rain all week, so the beach is a no no.
Bars? I'm so sick of drinking...
Snowboard? If i get a ride...
Maybe ill relax at my Elk Grove house? Alone? Someone wanna chill?
This is boo boo...
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Patience
It is true that patience is the virtue of success and happiness. It is what gives us a better understanding of what our world has in store for us.
Patience is something I don't fully possess but I would like to master it. I think its essential to our everyday lives.
So much is going on right now... I just need to wait...
Patience is something I don't fully possess but I would like to master it. I think its essential to our everyday lives.
So much is going on right now... I just need to wait...
Monday, March 22, 2010
Time eventually heals...
Things happen for a reason. I've come to understand that with every negative faulty event, comes something even greater. I have learned and grown even more as an individual than I could have every imagined. I'm sure there will be other hardships that I will encounter. Hopefully, I can take it as well as I did these past days. Take aside my incredible hulk phase!
In retrospect to what has happened in the past week, I found that things could have been worse. An earthquake killing people, a drive by shooting, a crazy heroin addict at the loose! Haha... But seriously, I thank all of you, my friends, for standing by me and helping a friend out. These past days have lead me to realize the bad in some people as well as the good. I found that those who were there for me the most have made a huge impression on me and I will always remember your kindness =)
As I have pledged to myself, from the last post, I will continue living a prosperous and content life. No one can bring me down! HOLLA
I love and adore you guys!
Things happen for a reason. I've come to understand that with every negative faulty event, comes something even greater. I have learned and grown even more as an individual than I could have every imagined. I'm sure there will be other hardships that I will encounter. Hopefully, I can take it as well as I did these past days. Take aside my incredible hulk phase!
In retrospect to what has happened in the past week, I found that things could have been worse. An earthquake killing people, a drive by shooting, a crazy heroin addict at the loose! Haha... But seriously, I thank all of you, my friends, for standing by me and helping a friend out. These past days have lead me to realize the bad in some people as well as the good. I found that those who were there for me the most have made a huge impression on me and I will always remember your kindness =)
As I have pledged to myself, from the last post, I will continue living a prosperous and content life. No one can bring me down! HOLLA
I love and adore you guys!
Friday, March 19, 2010
Sorting things out
I don’t even know where to begin. Its like my mind is running in circles over the same pathetic thing. I feel betrayed. It is pretty hard for me to get mad. But small, even minuscule things have been bugging me. Why? I don’t know. My friend Justin use to joke and say that there was a raging incredible hulk in me. There possibly is, seeing how I’ve reacted in some many ways of violence. I know I should solve problems in other ways, but when you have lost trust within the people you think you could have trusted. It all builds in. Haha, perhaps writing what I feel will serve therapeutic to me?
I go back thinking about my life. The first thing I think about is my mother. I see her in me. I still love her every bit of soul. I miss her presence. But when I think about her, she only holds a spot in my heart. I have conditioned myself to except her death. I have fully understood that her physical body is not present. I have nothing else to learn from her now. I do know that I will see her sometime in another life.
Any who, I have found that he is playing manipulative mind games with the people I care about. He’s making people feel sorry for him (pathetic) while trying to sway people that he was at the right and I am at the wrong. That I am “fucked up.” Apparently the whole world thinks I am?
I find it sad. If he can only see that gossip and rumors are nothing but mind games itself. Just like the game telephone, a lot of things are misinterpret and said completely different. Those distorted words that one hears, becomes nothing but truths that are not truths at all.
What is right from wrong? Tell me! He can say how much he truly loved me. He can say that he is acting by his unstable emotions and impulses because I made him feel this way. He can constantly put the blame on me. He can say that he does not care. But he does care, his pride cares, and he continues to believe he is winning a battle that does not exist.
As I try to sort everything through my head. I don’t see myself at the wrong. I can see how he can think that I am wrong. I can see how he thinks I am being stubborn at admitting that I am not wrong. But the point is, I did it. I choose what I do. I have gone over it in my head and quite honestly, where is the wrong?
We aren’t together. We weren’t together during the time I talked to another guy. His heart was still hanging on, while my mind was conditioning itself to move on.
Why is it my responsibility to tell him what I go through or what I did? Should it be my solemn obligation to inform him of things that would potentially hurt him even more? Do I have to follow particular rules?
Rules are nothing more than supposedly guidelines that strangle us away from what we internally want.
I tell my friends about my personal life, in hopes that it would be kept between us two. And this is where the trust issue falls. Apparently, others have found it to be their solemn obligation to get into business that isn’t there’s. Just like telephone, perhaps a lot of things were looked at completely different. Perhaps when it was being told to him, the topic at stake had been distorted in their minds already.
Have I acted in an immature matter? I have, more so, acted upon my own impulses that make me feel good, satisfied, and happy. I do things for myself, and I put others second after me.
Morals. Ethics. Its pretty subjective and objective. Who is to say what is truly right and what is truly wrong. No one can and its truly up to how we perceive things.
We are different individuals. Although we may breathe the same air, we may walk the same paths, or how we all carry the same biological components. We are still different. How we each perceive things are completely different. How we act upon particular situations is different.
Love? Hah, well some of you may think. Well, did you not love him? Did you not care for him enough to just say no?
Hah, Love. It’s a complicated thing. Yes I did love, and love can go away fast (at least in my eyes). Love can stay for the longest time, and love can instantly go away in a heart beat. What is love really? To me, love can be expressed to more than one person. Love does not have to be expressed in forms of candy, sex, flowers, or materialistic things. It can be expressed in billions of ways.
Yes, I loved him. Yes, I cared for him and yes, societal pressures and instigation has torn my love for him. His immature actions have done nothing more but see him in eye of despise. And now, I feel nothing for him.
Although we may have gone through several good and sad moments, its over. There is nothing there that can relate to anymore. All I see now is merely a monster in disguise. I see creature with nothing but individual issues that he needs to internally solve.
Nothing more, I will owe it to myself and to everyone else to completely end this. Through this, I will pledge to myself that I will try to live prosperous and contently. I have learned that I can not trust solemnly. I have learned that these things happen for a reason, and we live through them, instead of act.
I go back thinking about my life. The first thing I think about is my mother. I see her in me. I still love her every bit of soul. I miss her presence. But when I think about her, she only holds a spot in my heart. I have conditioned myself to except her death. I have fully understood that her physical body is not present. I have nothing else to learn from her now. I do know that I will see her sometime in another life.
Any who, I have found that he is playing manipulative mind games with the people I care about. He’s making people feel sorry for him (pathetic) while trying to sway people that he was at the right and I am at the wrong. That I am “fucked up.” Apparently the whole world thinks I am?
I find it sad. If he can only see that gossip and rumors are nothing but mind games itself. Just like the game telephone, a lot of things are misinterpret and said completely different. Those distorted words that one hears, becomes nothing but truths that are not truths at all.
What is right from wrong? Tell me! He can say how much he truly loved me. He can say that he is acting by his unstable emotions and impulses because I made him feel this way. He can constantly put the blame on me. He can say that he does not care. But he does care, his pride cares, and he continues to believe he is winning a battle that does not exist.
As I try to sort everything through my head. I don’t see myself at the wrong. I can see how he can think that I am wrong. I can see how he thinks I am being stubborn at admitting that I am not wrong. But the point is, I did it. I choose what I do. I have gone over it in my head and quite honestly, where is the wrong?
We aren’t together. We weren’t together during the time I talked to another guy. His heart was still hanging on, while my mind was conditioning itself to move on.
Why is it my responsibility to tell him what I go through or what I did? Should it be my solemn obligation to inform him of things that would potentially hurt him even more? Do I have to follow particular rules?
Rules are nothing more than supposedly guidelines that strangle us away from what we internally want.
I tell my friends about my personal life, in hopes that it would be kept between us two. And this is where the trust issue falls. Apparently, others have found it to be their solemn obligation to get into business that isn’t there’s. Just like telephone, perhaps a lot of things were looked at completely different. Perhaps when it was being told to him, the topic at stake had been distorted in their minds already.
Have I acted in an immature matter? I have, more so, acted upon my own impulses that make me feel good, satisfied, and happy. I do things for myself, and I put others second after me.
Morals. Ethics. Its pretty subjective and objective. Who is to say what is truly right and what is truly wrong. No one can and its truly up to how we perceive things.
We are different individuals. Although we may breathe the same air, we may walk the same paths, or how we all carry the same biological components. We are still different. How we each perceive things are completely different. How we act upon particular situations is different.
Love? Hah, well some of you may think. Well, did you not love him? Did you not care for him enough to just say no?
Hah, Love. It’s a complicated thing. Yes I did love, and love can go away fast (at least in my eyes). Love can stay for the longest time, and love can instantly go away in a heart beat. What is love really? To me, love can be expressed to more than one person. Love does not have to be expressed in forms of candy, sex, flowers, or materialistic things. It can be expressed in billions of ways.
Yes, I loved him. Yes, I cared for him and yes, societal pressures and instigation has torn my love for him. His immature actions have done nothing more but see him in eye of despise. And now, I feel nothing for him.
Although we may have gone through several good and sad moments, its over. There is nothing there that can relate to anymore. All I see now is merely a monster in disguise. I see creature with nothing but individual issues that he needs to internally solve.
Nothing more, I will owe it to myself and to everyone else to completely end this. Through this, I will pledge to myself that I will try to live prosperous and contently. I have learned that I can not trust solemnly. I have learned that these things happen for a reason, and we live through them, instead of act.
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